07/13

"this ain't no picnic"

I went to bed last night with my mind absolutely made up. I was going to give my two-weeks notice and quit my stupid under-paying job. I hate what a good night's sleep can do to your thought process. Irregardless, I waited for the right moment and told my parents that my job was making my existance utterly miserable.









Now, I had expected the usual "welcome to the real world" speech and some kind of final parential input. What I got was a moment of silence and very stern "Just do what you want to do."

My dad jokes too much. I don't know whether he hides his real thoughts and emotions or something along those lines, but whenver he tries to be very serious about something, it comes out like this. And every single time he does it, it scares me, confuses me, and pisses me severely off. So for the next couple of hours before work, I was pissed off and trying to figure out what I should actually do. Last night, I was so absolutely certain, and now it's tearing me from all sides.

It seems, though, that I only get these kinds of responses from my father when I want to spend more time for creative things. He's a very rational and logical kinda guy. I don't doubt, though, that he hides a creative side. So I wonder if talking to him about this sort of stuff makes him logically respond "keep working and earning money", while another response is "okay, do what you have to do, figure it all out." Like he gets these conflicts in his head and it just comes out as a cryptic mix between the two of them. Of course, I think very much like my father. That explaination is my creative answer. My logical side is telling me that I'm wrong in wanting to spend the time as I wish. I'm selfish and am only thinking of myself and want nothing more than to eternally mooch off of my parents.

That's the real problem with logical thinking and low self-esteem. It's all 1s and 0s. And I'm always 0.