Ugh...where to begin...
It's very easy, I've found out, to be inspired at one moment. To know for sure that things
should change. To know that something has to be done about anything and everything. It's
simple. Just look around you. The dificulty, it seems, is acting upon it. Apathy and doubt
come into focus just as quickly inspiration. Soon it's all back to normal. Nothing added.
Nothing removed. If I may quote Pentasmal, "You will get nothing
So how did I realize this? My last update was about 12 days ago. There was quite an absence
before that post as well. I had come to the realization that I hadn't updated because I was
uninspired. I had nothing new to present. Nothing that I would feel satisfied with.
Afterwards, I recalled why I had started the new design in the first place. I was uninspired
with my old designs and couldn't remain satisfied with a new one. The parallel is rather
clear, I think. Nothing inspired and nothing new.
As I was going through my usual Internet rounds yesterday, I checked on
, a site I check about once a
week (since updates are sporadic). As it so happens, I checked it on the day of the final
post. I admit I haven't read all of his posts. I've not once emailed the guy or anything.
I really admired his setup though. New stuff at every update. Not just a blog or stupid comic
or linkdump, but a mix of all that he could come up with. If there was ever an inspiration
for my non-design design, that was probably it. Still, his was different. He set out knowing
to have a beginning and an end. There's a certain quality to that that I can't place, but I
know it and I envy it.
As I've read through his posts over time, one thing has really stood out to me. He always
seemed to take life as it was given to him. He took the good and the bad, the cherished and
the shameful. Took it all. I'm too shy. I fear failure in just about every situation that
I happen to fall into. I discard options as soon as I find out something could go wrong. I
consider too much to be too important. I've managed to make myself believe I'm just as I am.
My shortcomings nothing more than a genetic happening or some sort of counterbalance from God.
Sure, there are things I want to change, but is it possible? That kind of distraction fills
my head all the time. Is it worth it? Is getting my name known for something really so bad?
Even as I type this, I'm being too general. I don't know who's going to read this, so I try
and keep specifics out of it. But why!?
What should I care about what others know or
think about me? I tell myself all the time that it doesn't matter and that I don't care, but
I buckle under my words anytime I try and say it with meaning. I have way too much apathy in
my life. An easy-going belief makes life simple, but it doesn't add up to anything. You've
got yours and I've got mine. It's like I'm pushing the rock up the hill, but I can't ever
get it over. But it's possible.
I know it's possible and I know it's possible and I
tell myself it is and I know it is but I can't come to terms and realize it for fact.
Deep breath. Think it through. So I'm not inspired. I have nothing new. Nothing is coming
to me. Why why why? There's only one thing I can think of. Nothing happens because nothing
is getting done. My life is a standstill. I came to a point where I believed that since I am
a student, I should spend my time learning. Learning or not, I seem to get C's. Whatever. I
am not concerned with grades too much anymore. I am concerned with being rid of this
stalemate. Good or bad. Win or lose. Life is inspiration. It's time I got one.