"here i stand, sad and free
i can't cry, i can't see
what i've done
God, what have I done?"
the details of it all are irrelevant, so all i'm going to say is that it's going to cost someone $760.
depression has it's way of bringing up things i would rather keep hidden away. it weakens me. it makes me want to stab my poseur neighbor and run over their stupid little dog with the lawnmower. it makes me want to punch the brickwall outside until my knuckles are broken and bloody. it makes me take several naps. it makes me listen to loads of depressing songs. thank God i don't drink.
i had to get things straigt in my head, but i also had yardwork to do. with Ben Folds on my headphones and an attitude that was less than plesent, i headed out to cut the grass. thoughts bounced around in my head. did i really mess things up so badly? am i making this out to be something bigger than it actually is? do i really care so much about it? what in God's name do i care so much about that i'm getting so upset over this? I still don't know the answer.
as i was mowing it occured to me that the back yard existed only to grow and be cut back down. metaphors aside, i could only think about how wasteful it all was. this was one of the main reasons we moved here. now it's just a pile of bugs and overgrown weeds.
i finished the job and sat down in the freshly cut grass. two cats were staring at me in a curious amazement. I lied down and closed my eyes. they burned from sweat or tears or something. when i got up, the cats were gone and i went inside to sleep...
