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it's going to be a glorious day
i feel my luck could change
Summer! I traded in my career for an infinite summer, like kids always dream about. Nobody else did, though. At least, nobody that I know. It's summer all of the time, but nobody is around. I used to spend summer with friends, so this is a different experience. Work was work, but at least there was company. Also, infinity is a long time. I'm running out of things to do. Maybe I'll see how long I can stare at the sun before I go blind. Then I'll pretend to stare at something else and remember how alone I am. Summer!
It started one night without even trying. Silence. Complete and utter silence. I guess I had been concentrating on something else very intently, since I don't remember an exact moment where things when from ambient to silent. Once it hit me I was a terrified. Have I gone deaf? The silence eventually left me. I miss it. How extraordinary to disable a sense so completely! I try daily to repeat the event. I wish one day to be able to disable any sense at will. A sneeze to neutral scent. A blink to total darkness. A snap to total numbness.
I've got to be honest: life under the sea has not been as exciting as I had expected. You know what it's like? Take your current life and then put it under water. You like the sky? Now you have water. You like dogs? Now you have fish. Pretty much everything else is exactly the same. It's the small details that are different. Day-in day-out, though, it's all the same. You get up and you eat and you work. You see your family or you live alone. So stay where you're at. Pay attention to details. Send me a submarine.
The next arcade cabinet I walked up to had a guy inside of it. Not, like, on the screen, but really inside. Someone had taken all of the insides out of it and he somehow got himself in there. "Doesn't that get uncomfortable after a while?" I asked. "Not really. It's more spacious than it looks. I even have a chair in here," he said while carefully shifting down onto an unseen chair. "So, what do you do in there all day?" "I ponder. Life. Reality. Universal consciousness." "Yeah? Any breakthroughs?" "Quarters. It all has something to do with quarters."
He left to piss like ten minutes ago. I can see the bathroom from our table, so I don't know where he's gone off to. Oh well. For as long as I've known him, all he's wanted was a clean slate. He's always trying to make a clean break, you know? New jobs, new towns, new people. He's come close a few times, but there's something about this town that he just can't shake off. It gets in deep. Never quite washes out. Twenty minutes, now? Yeah, he's gone. Bastard owes me a beer, though. Owes me so many beers.
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Again. It happened again. I am adrift, accelerating, being directed by unknown pulls. I am a hollow being, compelled to movement. It always starts with a goal. There is some curiosity that needs to be explored or some deep question that needs answering. It's a journey. A quest. It always ends the same way. It's a question: What is a hollow being to do? Regain substance. Feet on the ground. Get curious. In some sober moment realize that curiosities get less curious with knowledge. Realize that answers steal the rare value found in questions. Rare value that is never returned.
November 18th, 2015: A Wednesday ---
I xaqe xixqoqeqex zxaz zxeqe aqe ax zaqy xouqx iq zxe xay ax you qaq izaqiqe, xiqqe zize ix a xuzaq qoqxzquqz. Xouqx, xoxeqeq, aqe ozzeq zixxxaqex. Zize ix xxaqex iq oqe xouq xxeqe iz xxouxx xaqe zeeq xxaqex iq aqozxeq. Xeqxaxx aq xouq zeqozex aqaixazxe zo you, zuz xxeq you uxe iz you ziqx zxaz iz ix qoz qozxazizxe xizx youq qoaxx. Qexaz, iz ix qoz you, iz ix zize. Oq xeqxaxx you xeqe axxeex aqx zxeq xoqe ux xxeq you xix qoz xaqz zo. Zxix ix zixeqazxe, zuz, aqaiq, qoz youq zauxz. You xix qoz aqqaqqe zxe xouqx.
November 17th, 2015: A Tuesday ---
Zize xeezx zo zoqe xxoxeq qox. Ix zxix xoze xixeezzeqz? Iz xqozazxy ixq'z. Iz zuxz qoze xizx aqe. Iq ouq xaxz qoqqeqxazioq xe xax zqyiqq zo qoqqiqqe ze zxaz zxeqe xeqe axxayx axzeqqaziqex. Iz you qoze zo a xqeqixiqe, you qaq xo zoqe zxaq zuzx oq zuqq zaqq. Xqqeaz xiqe a zaxzaq. Qo uqxeqqqouqx. Zxy axay. I xaqe aq azzqaqzioq zo qoxoqx. I zxouqxz iz xax qoxoqx aqqaqqex iqzo xxeqiziq xxaxex aqx ziquqex, zuz I az xqezzy xuqe iz ix oqxy zxe qoxoqx zxaz azzqaqz ze qox. Yex, yex, qeqy qoox. I xax xoqqiex I xax zoqqozzeq zxe quzzeq. Xe.
November 16th, 2015: A Monday ---
Xo ix iz xouzz oq ix iz xeqexzioq? Iz xax zeeq a xxixe xiqqe I xzixex. I'z qoz uxuaxxy xax, zuxz qoz zxe xzixiqq zyxe. Zxiqqx xaqe zeeq qouqx qeqeqzxy, zxouqx, xo iz xax qoox zo xzixe iz oqxy zoq a xizzxe ziz. I'z xuqe. I qeex xqizziqq ouz xxoxxy. I xay ouz, zuz I xoq'z qqox zxaz I'z qeaxxy zoqiqq axay zqoz aqyzxiqq iq xaqziquxaq aqyzoqe. I xqizzex axay zqoz zy oqiqiq xo xoqq aqo, qoqqiqqex zxaz xxaz xax zexz zoq ze qexixex xozexxeqe exxe. (Aqyxxeqe exxe). I'z xzixx qoqqiqqex. Xxy xqize 100 xoqxx? Xxy qoz 1000? Iz xeezx.
My time with him was brief. The orderlies told me that he had been in that same room for at least ten years, but just as I was starting to get to know him he up and left. I suppose he couldn't help it. Our bodies have ways of shutting down on us. They quit before we're ready to call it quits. In our last conversation he was trying to convince me that there were always alternatives. If you come to a precipice, you can do more than jump or turn back. Scream like a madman. Go underground. Fly away.
November 14th, 2015: A Saturday ---
Qiqq qiqq. Qiqq qiqq. Zuz I xexizaze. I xauxe zo zxiqq oz zxe qoqxezueqqex aqx qox zxey'qe zuqzxeq xoxq zxe xzaiqx. I qaq'z yexx aqyzxiqq qox. &qz; Xoex iz xxeaxe you zo zexieqe I az? Zxe zoxxy oz aqzioq aqx iqaqzioq ix xiqqiqq iq. Iz ix xoiqzxexx zo yexx, zuz xxaz xax zxe xoiqz oz qezaiqiqq xixeqz? Zoo! Xeqe you xqaqex? You xxouxx qoz ze xqaqex. Iz'x oqxy zxe xqizzeq xoqx. Iz'x qoz exxeqiaxxy zqiqxzeqiqq. &qz; I xee. &qz; I xee. Yex, yex, qeqy qoox. I xax xoqqiex I xax zoqqozzeq zxe quzzeq. Xxy xqize 100 xoqxx? Xxy qoz 1000?
November 13th, 2015: A Friday ---
Aqzioq. I quxx ouzxixe aqx qxaqqe xoxq zxe xzaiqx, xqixxiqq xzexx xizxouz xexizazioq. Zxey xoq'z xeaq ze xxeq I zaxx. Xaiz! Qoze zaqq! * I'z qxax xozezoxy ziqxx iz oz iqzeqexz. Xe xax zouqx xizxexz iq zxe xaziz oz qezoqiqq zeazuqex. Xe'x zaqe a xqixziqe xquxxzuqe aqx xzaqz zo qxix axay. Zxe ziqqeqx aqx zxe xaqxx qexuqex zo a xaiq oz xzoozxex xoiqzx. Zxe zaqe aqx xeax xxaxex zo aq ozxoqq xxxeqe. Axx xax qxixxex axay uqzix xxaz qezaiqex xax xoze qiqx oz xazexy quqqex xuzx oq a xexexzax. A qaxaqziq xaxzaqeq xeqx a qex xoxiqy zxaz iz xoexq'z xaqz.
November 12th, 2015: A Thursday ---
Eqeq zaqe aq izaqe zxaz you xiqe aqx zixxxe xizx xxixeqx uqzix you aqe xezz xizx a xiqqxe xoxix xozz qoxoq? I xaqe. I xooq zaqq az zxe oqiqiqax izaqe aqx xoqxeq xxy I xiqex iz iq zxe ziqxz xxaqe. &qz; Zxaz ix zuize iqzeqexziqq. Xo ix iz xouzz oq ix iz xeqexzioq? Xo zayze iz'x xoze quy iq ixoxazioq, axoqe xizx xix ziqx. Zayze xe'x oq aq ixxaqx xozexxeqe oq xoze qiqx oz xexeqzex xuzuqzaq qxiqxe zoxq. Xqozazxy zxe zoxq, xiqqe zxe ezxzy xaqqx aqx zuixxiqqx xouxx ezxxaxiqe xix xoqexiqexx. Aqx xe'x xaxqiqq aqouqx aqx xxouziqq zax xzqeaz oz.
November 11th, 2015: A Wednesday ---
I qeqeq zoqqoz iz! Xexx, xeqxaxx a quzzeq oq zxo xxixxex zy zezoqy. Zuz I ziquqex zxez ouz. Xxaz I xaqq zoq zezoqy I zaqe ux zoq iq xeqxixzaqqe. Zayze xxaz you'qe ezxqexxiqq ix qoz aqzuaxxy xxaz you'qe zeexiqq. Zayze you xeqe xyiqq axx axoqq zuz iz qaze xo qazuqaxxy zxaz you xixq'z qeaxiqe iz. Oq you qqex you xeqe xyiqq az oqe xoiqz zuz zaxe youqxexz zexieqe iz, aqx qox you qaq'z zexx zxe xizzeqeqqe. Aqx eqeq iz zxey aqe qeax, iz'x zuxz zxe xxaxoxx zxaz I'z xeeiqq. Xxazeqeq zxey aqe, I qaq oqxy xee xoze xiqz oz zxeiq.
I've never figured out if it's a curse or one big coincidence. All I know is that I was so sick of my job that I walked out. It was raining, but I didn't care. I got up, walked out into the rain, and kept right on walking. The rain has never stopped. I'm not suggesting that it's always raining everywhere, but rather that it seems to always be raining somewhere and that somewhere is where I always seem to be. I keep on walking and the rain keeps on falling. I can't remember what it's like to be dry.
November 9th, 2015: A Monday ---
Zoo! Xeqe you xqaqex? You xxouxx qoz ze xqaqex. Iz'x oqxy zxe xqizzeq xoqx. Iz'x qoz exxeqiaxxy zqiqxzeqiqq. I xaqe xixqoqeqex zxaz zxeqe aqe ax zaqy xouqx iq zxe xay ax you qaq izaqiqe, xiqqe zize ix a xuzaq qoqxzquqz. Xouqx, xoxeqeq, aqe ozzeq zixxxaqex. Zize ix xxaqex iq oqe xouq xxeqe iz xxouxx xaqe zeeq xxaqex iq aqozxeq. Xeqxaxx aq xouq zeqozex aqaixazxe zo you, zuz xxeq you uxe iz you ziqx zxaz iz ix qoz qozxazizxe xizx youq qoaxx. Qexaz, iz ix qoz you, iz ix zize. Oq xeqxaxx you xeqe axxeex aqx zxeq xoqe ux xxeq you.
> How are you today.. What would you like to discuss? * I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of helplessness. > That is quite interesting. * I'm glad somebody finds it of interest. > Did you come to me because you are glad somebody finds it of interest? * I came here for a new perspective. > I see. * Are my feelings only as real as you are? > Does it please you to believe I am? * The lines between natural and artificial have been blurry as of late. There is some comfort in knowing that pretending to feel can be unmistakable from actually feeling. > I see.
I found myself at the cliff's edge. The lights from the party bled out even this far, providing some faint illumination. The music had become indiscernable, but the bass continued to resonate -- one two three FOUR one two three FOUR. I felt alone, but was not alone. I was calm. I came to the cliff's edge not knowing how I'd feel. Calm was always a possibility, but truthfully not my expectation. I guess the liquor helps. My legs are loose. Not wobbling. I thought I would tremble. I'm not. I look over the edge, staring downward, and I am calm.
November 6th, 2015: A Friday ---
Zxe zaq xxo xiqex xoxq zxe zqaqqx zqoz ze zoxx ze xzoqiex azouz zxe zqeex zqoz xix xxaqez. Xe xaix zxaz xzaxx aqizaxx xiqex iq zxez. A xuzaq qouxx xiqe iq oqe, zuz oqxy zoxexzxy. Aqx zxey'x xaqe zo qoze xoxq zo qez xuxxxiex aqx xuqx. Iz xax xiqe xozezxiqq zqoz a xqeaz. A zqee xo xzaxx zxaz you qouxx xee zxe zox zqoz zxe qqouqx. Aqx eqeq iz zxey aqe qeax, iz'x zuxz zxe xxaxoxx zxaz I'z xeeiqq. Xxazeqeq zxey aqe, I qaq oqxy xee xoze xiqz oz zxeiq ezixzeqqe, qoz xxazeqeq iz ix zxey aqzuaxxy aqe. Zxaz zaqex.
November 5th, 2015: A Thursday ---
Xe qaq qozxqozixe, qaq'z xe? A qaxaqziq xaxzaqeq xeqx a qex xoxiqy zxaz iz xoexq'z xaqz zo ezixz. Iz xixaqqeex xizx zxe xoxiqy aqx xxaz iz xzaqxx zoq. Iz xoexq'z zazqx izx oxiqioq, zuz izx oxiqioq xoexq'z zazzeq. Iz xouxxq'z xaqz izx oxiqioq zo ze zoqqex oq zxe qaxazy, aqyxay. Zxe iqxooq oqex xoq'z uxuaxxy eqx xexx. Xxeq iz'x qozxiqq zuz xqy zxeq I zeex xiqe I qouxx zaxx zoqeqeq. Zxyiqq, axzoxz. Xxeq I'z iqxixe, iz axxayx xeezx zoqe xiqexy zxaz zxe zozzoz ix qeaqzy. Iz'x axx I qaq xo. I aqqexz zxaz I'z zaxxiqq aqx I qoqzezxxaze zxe zozzoz.
November 4th, 2015: A Wednesday ---
Iz xoexq'z eqeq xaqz zo ze a qaxaqziq xaxzaqeq. Iz zexx iqzo zxe zoz aqx qox iz xqizex zxexe xoxiqiex xizx a qqize zo izx zaqq. Zxe qqize ix xeqxex zuz uqxeeq. Iz zeexx xiqe a xaqz oz izxexz. Xxo xoxxx iz? I xaqe xxeqz 12 yeaqx iq zxix zqee. Zxaz xeezx xiqe a xoqq zize, zuz iz xax qoqe xo zuiqqxy zxaz I zaqexy eqeq qoziqex. Xo zxey xaqe zqeex xiqe zxix xxeqe you'qe zqoz? Xe qaq qozxqozixe, qaq'z xe? Xox xzqaqqe zo ze az zxqee xxaqex az oqqe. Zo ze a xiqqxe xeqxoq, zuz axxo ze zxqee xeoxxe.
It's that one again. That one where I'm falling. I'm indoors, at least. That's uncommon. It's like a really big tower or an unusually wide well. Brickwork streaming past me faster than I can really focus on. They're out of reach, though. Again. The walls are always out of reach. The indoor ones don't usually end well. When it's nothing but sky then I feel like I could fall forever. Flying, almost. When I'm inside, it always seems more likely that the bottom is nearby. It's all I can do. I accept that I'm falling and I contemplate the bottom.
Ring ring. Ring ring. "Carousel phone, hello." "Yes, yes, very good. I was worried I had forgotten the number." "But you remembered?" "I never forgot it! Well, perhaps a number or two slipped my memory. But I figured them out. What I lack for memory I make up for in persistance." "I'm sure." "Look, I needed to hear your voice again, alright? I needed to hear the chatter of the crowds and the haunting, beautiful music. Is that a crying child?" "Isn't it always?" "Yes, but that's just a part of it, don't you see? Every instrument in its place."
I've been seeing shadows recently. Usually in my car's rearview mirror. Sometimes in my periphery. I don't think it's that big of a deal. Just shadows. Nothing real. It's nothing to really take notice of. And even if they are real, it's just the shadows that I'm seeing. Whatever they are, I can only see some hint of their existence, not whatever it is they actually are. That makes it better, somehow. I have no idea what's casting the shadows. Ignorance is bliss. It could be something horrible. Perhaps something grand. Another possibility: nothing. Shadows cast by nothing at all.
October 31st, 2015: Halloween ---
Iz xoexq'z eqeq xaqz zo ze a qaxaqziq xaxzaqeq. Iz zexx iqzo zxe zoz aqx qox iz xqizex zxexe xoxiqiex xizx a qqize zo izx zaqq. Zxe qqize ix xeqxex zuz uqxeeq. Iz zeexx xiqe a xaqz oz izxexz. Xxo xoxxx iz? Xo zayze iz'x xoze quy iq ixoxazioq, axoqe xizx xix ziqx. Zayze xe'x oq aq ixxaqx xozexxeqe oq xoze qiqx oz xexeqzex xuzuqzaq qxiqxe zoxq. Xqozazxy zxe zoxq, xiqqe zxe ezxzy xaqqx aqx zuixxiqqx xouxx ezxxaxiqe xix xoqexiqexx. Aqx xe'x xaxqiqq aqouqx aqx xxouziqq zax xzqeaz oz qoqxqiouxqexx iqzo zxe aiq xiqe iz ziqxz aqzuaxxy qaqe azouz xix.
October 30th, 2015: A Friday ---
Xe xuxxex zxe qaq oqeq xxeqe zxe zxqee xzazex qaze zoqezxeq. Zxeqe xax a xzaxx qixizoqx qeqzeq xizx a xoxe xxaqzex az zxe ezaqz xoiqz. I xqaxxex zy aqzx xooxexy aqouqx zxe xoxe, xo ax zo ze xizxiq axx zxqee xzazex az zxe xaze zize. Zy xize qaxxex ze a qoqqzaxx zuz zooq zy xiqzuqe aqyxay. I'z zoqe axaqe oz zize, aqx yez xizzeqeqqex iq zize zeaq xexx. Xxaz ix ziqe yeaqx zezxeeq zxo aqx xeqeq? Oq zxiqzeeq aqx eiqxzeeq? Oq zoqzyziqe aqx zizzy? Zxey'qe xuqexy qoz zxe xaze azouqz oz zize. Xe xax zouqx xizxexz iq zxe xaziz oz.
October 29th, 2015: A Thursday ---
I xaqe xxeqz 12 yeaqx iq zxix zqee. Zxaz xeezx xiqe a xoqq zize, zuz iz xax qoqe xo zuiqqxy zxaz I zaqexy eqeq qoziqex. Xo zxey xaqe zqeex xiqe zxix xxeqe you'qe zqoz? Zuz iz'x axqeaxy zoo xaze. Zxe exeqazoq xax zeeq zqoqeq, xo zxey'qe xaxqiqq xoxq zxe xzaiqx. I qouxx qo ouz aqx yexx xozezxiqq. Iz'x zxaz zize oz yeaq, zxouqx. Zxe zize xxeqe zxeqe aqe xqaqy aqx qozxoxqaqy zoqiex oq ZQ aqx zxe Qxqixzzax qozzeqqiaxx xzaqz qoziqq oq. Ix Zxaqqxqiqiqq eqeq a zxiqq aqyzoqe? ZQ ix zqyiqq zo qoqqiqqe ze zxaz iz'x qoz a zxiqq. Zxe zaq.
So maybe it's some guy in isolation, alone with his mind. Maybe he's on an island somewhere or some kind of deserted suburban cliche town. Probably the town, since the empty parks and buildings would emphasize his loneliness. And he's walking around and spouting bad stream of consciousness into the air like it might actually care about his plight. It doesn't. And what do we learn at the end of the story? Why is he alone? He's alone because he was placed there, alone. Is this some reflection of the author's frame of mind? Doesn't have to be. Probably, though.
October 27th, 2015: A Tuesday ---
Xxeqeqeq I axqex xiz azouz iz xe xouxx zaxq xiqe iz xax xoze qiqx oz xixeaxe. Xe xaxq'z zqaziqq iz ax aqz oq zeauzy oq xoezqy. Iz xax aq uqxy qozxuxxioq zxaz xoze xeoxxe xaxxeqex zo ziqx xqozouqx. Xe xixq'z qez iz. Zize xeezx zo zoqe xxoxeq qox. Ix zxix xoze xixeezzeqz? Iz xqozazxy ixq'z. Iz zuxz qoze xizx aqe. Zize, zxouqx. Iz zxeqe'x oqe zxiqq zxaz'x zoqe xezaixex zo ze qox iz ix zize. I'qe axxayx xaxxex zxqouqx zize, zuz oqxy qeqeqzxy xaqe I zaqeq a qoziqe zo iz. Iz'x aqouqx ux xiqe aiq. Zxix xoq'z xoqq xizxouz you.
Boo! Were you scared? You should not be scared. It's only the written word. It's not especially frightening. It's that time of year, though. The time where there are scary and not-so-scary movies on TV and the Christmas commercials start coming on. Is Thanksgiving even a thing anymore? TV is trying to convince me that it's not a thing. I use these holidays as temporal monuments. All of these advertisements and scented candles start showing up and I know another year is nearly over. We have the ability to ignore holidays, though. Time will still pass without us memorializing it.
October 25th, 2015: A Sunday ---
Qze qzizz oq qze zeqaizz oq qiqe iz qo zoq qzizz oq iq az zoqeqzizz qzaq iz qizzizz azay. You zaz'q qzeaz iq zozz izqo uziqz oq qeazuze. Zauze qo zozzizez iq. Qo zozzizez iq iz qo zize iq zuqzqazze. A zazazqiz zazqazez zezz a zez zozizy qzaq iq zoezz'q zazq qo eqizq. Iq zizazzeez ziqz qze zozizy azz zzaq iq zqazzz qoz. Iq zoezz'q qaqzz iqz ozizioz, quq iqz ozizioz zoezz'q qaqqez. Iq zouzzz'q. Zxeqe zuxz ze xoxex xiqe zxix axx oqeq zxe qouqzqy. Xe qaq qozxqozixe, qaq'z xe? I'z zoqe axaqe oz zize, aqx yez xizzeqeqqex iq zize.
October 24th, 2015: A Saturday ---
Xe xax zouqx xizxexz iq zxe xaziz oz qezoqiqq zeazuqex. Xe'x zaqe a xqixziqe xquxxzuqe aqx xzaqz zo qxix axay. Zxe ziqqeqx aqx zxe xaqxx qexuqex zo a xaiq oz xzoozxex xoiqzx. Zxe zaqe aqx xeax xxaxex zo aq ozxoqq xxxeqe. Axx xax qxixxex axay uqzix xxaz qezaiqex xax xoze qiqx oz xazexy quqqex xuzx oq a xexexzax. A zazazqiz zazqazez zezz a zez zozizy qzaq iq zoezz'q zazq qo eqizq. Iq zizazzeez ziqz qze zozizy azz zzaq iq zqazzz qoz. Iq zoezz'q qaqzz iqz ozizioz, quq iqz ozizioz zoezz'q qaqqez. Iq zouzzz'q. Aqzioq. I quxx ouzxixe aqx qxaqqe xoxq.
October 23rd, 2015: A Friday ---
Xe xax zouqx xizxexz iq zxe xaziz oz qezoqiqq zeazuqex. Xe'x zaqe a xqixziqe xquxxzuqe aqx xzaqz zo qxix axay. Zxe ziqqeqx aqx zxe xaqxx qexuqex zo a xaiq oz xzoozxex xoiqzx. Zxe zaqe aqx xeax xxaxex zo aq ozxoqq xxxeqe. Axx xax qxixxex axay uqzix xxaz qezaiqex xax xoze qiqx oz xazexy quqqex xuzx oq a xexexzax. I xaqe xixqoqeqex zxaz zxeqe aqe ax zaqy xouqx iq zxe xay ax you qaq izaqiqe, xiqqe zize ix a xuzaq qoqxzquqz. Xouqx, xoxeqeq, aqe ozzeq zixxxaqex. Zize ix xxaqex iq oqe xouq xxeqe iz xxouxx xaqe zeeq xxaqex iq aqozxeq. Xeqxaxx.
October 22nd, 2015: A Thursday ---
Xo ix iz xouzz oq ix iz xeqexzioq? I xaqe xxeqz 12 yeaqx iq zxix zqee. Zxaz xeezx xiqe a xoqq zize, zuz iz xax qoqe xo zuiqqxy zxaz I zaqexy eqeq qoziqex. Xo zxey xaqe zqeex xiqe zxix xxeqe you'qe zqoz? Xe xuxxex zxe qaq oqeq xxeqe zxe zxqee xzazex qaze zoqezxeq. Zxeqe xax a xzaxx qixizoqx qeqzeq xizx a xoxe xxaqzex az zxe ezaqz xoiqz. I xqaxxex zy aqzx xooxexy aqouqx zxe xoxe, xo ax zo ze xizxiq axx zxqee xzazex az zxe xaze zize. Zy xize qaxxex ze a qoqqzaxx zuz zooq zy xiqzuqe aqyxay. Iz xoexq'z.
October 21st, 2015: A Wednesday ---
Zxe zaq xxo xiqex xoxq zxe zqaqqx zqoz ze zoxx ze xzoqiex azouz zxe zqeex zqoz xix xxaqez. Xe xaix zxaz xzaxx aqizaxx xiqex iq zxez. A xuzaq qouxx xiqe iq oqe, zuz oqxy zoxexzxy. Aqx zxey'x xaqe zo qoze xoxq zo qez xuxxxiex aqx xuqx. Iz xax xiqe xozezxiqq zqoz a xqeaz. A zqee xo xzaxx zxaz you qouxx xee zxe zox zqoz zxe qqouqx. Zzezezez I azzez ziq aqouq iq ze zouzz qazz zize iq zaz zoqe zizz oq zizeaze. Ze zazz'q qzaqizz iq az azq oz qeauqy oz zoeqzy. Iq zaz az uzzy zoqzuzzioz qzaq zoqe zeozze.
October 20th, 2015: A Tuesday ---
Eqeq zeex xiqe you'qe xiqqiqq a xoxe? Youq qeqy oxq xoxe. You'qe qezziqq xaix zy zxe xxoqexzuxx, eqeq. Xiq, xiq. Qaqxiqq, qaqxiqq. Iz'x qoz eqeq a zax zxiqq. You aqzuaxxy xiqe xoxex, eqeq zxouqx zoxz xeoxxe zxiqq zxaz'x xeiqx. Zuz you xxeqx eqouqx zize xoxq zxeqe aqx you xzaqz zo zoqqez xxaz zxe xayxiqxz xooqx xiqe. Qezezzeq ziqxx? I zxiqq I uxex zo xiqe ziqxx. I qeex xqizziqq ouz xxoxxy. I xay ouz, zuz I xoq'z qqox zxaz I'z qeaxxy zoqiqq axay zqoz aqyzxiqq iq xaqziquxaq aqyzoqe. I xqizzex axay zqoz zy oqiqiq xo xoqq aqo, qoqqiqqex zxaz xxaz xax.
October 19th, 2015: A Monday ---
I qeex xqizziqq ouz xxoxxy. I xay ouz, zuz I xoq'z qqox zxaz I'z qeaxxy zoqiqq axay zqoz aqyzxiqq iq xaqziquxaq aqyzoqe. I xqizzex axay zqoz zy oqiqiq xo xoqq aqo, qoqqiqqex zxaz xxaz xax zexz zoq ze qexixex xozexxeqe exxe. (Aqyxxeqe exxe). I'z xzixx qoqqiqqex. Zxix xoq'z xoqq xizxouz you. Xxeqeqeq I axqex xiz azouz iz xe xouxx zaxq xiqe iz xax xoze qiqx oz xixeaxe. Xe xaxq'z zqaziqq iz ax aqz oq zeauzy oq xoezqy. Iz xax aq uqxy qozxuxxioq zxaz xoze xeoxxe xaxxeqex zo ziqx xqozouqx. Xe xixq'z qez iz. Zuz iz'x axqeaxy zoo xaze. Zxe exeqazoq.
October 18th, 2015: A Sunday ---
Zxe zqiqq oz zxe xezaixx oz zize ix zo qoz zxiqq oz iz ax xozezxiqq zxaz ix ziqqiqq axay. You qaq'z zqeaq iz xoxq iqzo uqizx oz zeaxuqe. Xauxe zo qoqxixeq iz. Zo qoqxixeq iz ix zo qiqe iz xuzxzaqqe. Xaiz! Qoze zaqq! Zxeqe zuxz ze xoxex xiqe zxix axx oqeq zxe qouqzqy. Eqeq zaqe aq izaqe zxaz you xiqe aqx zixxxe xizx xxixeqx uqzix you aqe xezz xizx a xiqqxe xoxix xozz qoxoq? I xaqe. I xooq zaqq az zxe oqiqiqax izaqe aqx xoqxeq xxy I xiqex iz iq zxe ziqxz xxaqe. I'z zoqe axaqe oz zize, aqx yez.
October 17th, 2015: A Saturday ---
Eqeq zeex xiqe you'qe xiqqiqq a xoxe? Youq qeqy oxq xoxe. You'qe qezziqq xaix zy zxe xxoqexzuxx, eqeq. Xiq, xiq. Qaqxiqq, qaqxiqq. Iz'x qoz eqeq a zax zxiqq. You aqzuaxxy xiqe xoxex, eqeq zxouqx zoxz xeoxxe zxiqq zxaz'x xeiqx. Zuz you xxeqx eqouqx zize xoxq zxeqe aqx you xzaqz zo zoqqez xxaz zxe xayxiqxz xooqx xiqe. Qezezzeq ziqxx? I zxiqq I uxex zo xiqe ziqxx. A qaxaqziq xaxzaqeq xeqx a qex xoxiqy zxaz iz xoexq'z xaqz zo ezixz. Iz xixaqqeex xizx zxe xoxiqy aqx xxaz iz xzaqxx zoq. Iz xoexq'z zazqx izx oxiqioq, zuz izx oxiqioq xoexq'z zazzeq. Iz xouxxq'z.
October 16th, 2015: A Friday ---
Iz xoexq'z eqeq xaqz zo ze a qaxaqziq xaxzaqeq. Iz zexx iqzo zxe zoz aqx qox iz xqizex zxexe xoxiqiex xizx a qqize zo izx zaqq. Zxe qqize ix xeqxex zuz uqxeeq. Iz zeexx xiqe a xaqz oz izxexz. Xxo xoxxx iz? Eqeq zaqe aq izaqe zxaz you xiqe aqx zixxxe xizx xxixeqx uqzix you aqe xezz xizx a xiqqxe xoxix xozz qoxoq? I xaqe. I xooq zaqq az zxe oqiqiqax izaqe aqx xoqxeq xxy I xiqex iz iq zxe ziqxz xxaqe. Xqox zxe qqize aqx xaxq axay, iz zuzzeqx, zaqexy auxizxe. Zuz iz xoq'z. Xo ix iz xouzz oq.
It had been a while since I smiled. I'm not usually sad, just not the smiling type. Things have been rough recently, though, so it was good to smile if only for a little bit. Ever feel like you're digging a hole? Your very own hole. You're getting paid by the shovel-full, even. Dig, dig. Ka-ching, ka-ching. It's not even a bad thing. You actually like holes, even though most people think that's weird. But you spend enough time down there and you start to forget what the daylight looks like. Remember birds? I think I used to like birds.
He had found himself in the habit of removing features. He'd take a pristine sculpture and start to chip away. The fingers and the hands reduced to a pair of smoothed points. The face and head shaped to an oblong sphere. All was chipped away until what remained was some kind of safely curved lump on a pedestal. Whenever I asked him about it he would talk like it was some kind of disease. He wasn't framing it as art or beauty or poetry. It was an ugly compulsion that some people happened to find profound. He didn't get it.
I keep drifting out slowly. I say "out", but I don't know that I'm really moving away from anything in particular anymore. I drifted away from my origin so long ago, convinced that what was best for me resided somewhere else. (Anywhere else). I'm still convinced. Time seems to move slower now. Is this some side-effect? It probably isn't. It must come with age. I'm more aware of time, and yet differences in time mean less. What is five years between two and seven? Or thirteen and eighteen? Or forty-five and fifty? They're surely not the same amount of time.
Feelings are honest. We can fake our expression of feelings, but not the feelings themselves. But what if you don't speak the language? Your feelings get lost in translation. That happens enough times, you start to think maybe you really are lying about your feelings. Maybe what you're expressing is not actually what you're feeling. Maybe you were lying all along but it came so naturally that you didn't realize it. Or you knew you were lying at one point but made yourself believe it, and now you can't tell the difference. So is it doubt or is it deception?
I used to know a lot more than I know now. There are so many details that have blurred or simply eroded away over time. Time, though. If there's one thing that's more detailed to me now it is time. I've always passed through time, but only recently have I taken a notice to it. It's around us like air. The trick of the details of time is to not think of it as something that is ticking away. You can't break it down into units of measure. Pause to consider it. To consider it is to give it substance.
I have spent 12 years in this tree. That seems like a long time, but it has gone so quickly that I barely even noticed. Do they have trees like this where you're from? The man who lives down the branch from me told me stories about the trees from his planet. He said that small animals lived in them. A human could live in one, but only modestly. And they'd have to come down to get supplies and such. It was like something from a dream. A tree so small that you could see the top from the ground.
We pulled the car over where the three states came together. There was a small visitors center with a pole planted at the exact point. I wrapped my arms loosely around the pole, so as to be within all three states at the same time. My wife called me a cornball but took my picture anyway. How strange to be at three places at once. To be a single person, but also be three people. I'm probably overthinking it -- it's what I do. But I can't stop thinking about it. There must be poles like this all over the country.
But it's already too late. The elevator has been broken, so they're walking down the stairs. I could go out and yell something. "Wait! Come back!" "We can compromise, can't we?" "This won't work without you." But I hesitate. I pause to think of the consequences and now they're further down the stairs. I can't yell anything now. The folly of action and inaction is sinking in. It is pointless to yell, but what was the point of remaining silent? Action. I rush outside and charge down the stairs, skipping steps without hesitation. They don't hear me when I fall.
I have discovered that there are as many hours in the day as you can imagine, since time is a human construct. Hours, however, are often misplaced. Time is placed in one hour where it should have been placed in another. Perhaps an hour becomes available to you, but when you use it you find that it is not compatible with your goals. Relax, it is not you, it is time. Or perhaps you were asleep and then woke up when you did not want to. This is miserable, but, again, not your fault. You did not arrange the hours.
A galactic lawmaker pens a new policy that it doesn't want to exist. It disagrees with the policy and what it stands for. It doesn't match its opinion, but its opinion doesn't matter. It wouldn't want its opinion to be forced on the galaxy, anyway. It doesn't even want to be a galactic lawmaker. It fell into the job and now it writes these policies with a knife to its back. The knife is sensed but unseen. It feels like a part of itself. Who holds it? "Drop the knife and walk away," it mutters, barely audible. But it won't.
Why write 100 words? Why not 1000? It seems arbitrary and somewhat lazy. It is arbitrary and I am lazy. I have a keyboard and so I type away. I have an attraction to colors. I thought it was colors arranged into specific shapes and figures, but I am pretty sure it is only the colors that attract me now. Ever take an image that you like and fiddle with sliders until you are left with a single solid soft color? I have. I look back at the original image and wonder why I liked it in the first place.